Oldies but Goldies

             As 2010 comes to a close, I look back on all the things that have happened this year. More recently, I’ve been noticing a lot of news revolving around sports and celebrity figures that are getting much older and starting to show it. When will they call it quits from their current business endeavors? At what age is “too” old? Who will be the first to call it quits? These are just questions I can’t answer with modern science. It seems like the mind is over coming matter and more importantly age and vigorous activities. Let’s get a better idea of just who I am talking about.

            Brett “The Jet””Dick Pick” Favre

• Man does this guy have it bad or what. Played all of those years with the Packers and now is jumping from team to team trying to find a home. Did well with the Jets, but now seems to be stuck in Minne”snow”ta. Not to mention he was just slapped with a $50k fine for not complying with the investigation that would have proved him sending dick pics to the New York Jets reporter.
• First off, yes Brett you still are a decent quarterback, yes you still throw for more yards than Chris Simms (but who doesn’t?) and yes your wrangler jeans make it appropriate to play football in denim. But come on, you are 41 years old. That’s good enough in my books for a career in the NFL. Most players don’t make it past 10 years if they are lucky. There is a reason why Aaron Rogers is doing awesome as your replacement at Green Bay. He is young and full of testosterone and ready to rock. I gotta say, with these recent pictures surfacing…I can tell your storage is running a little low. Now you’re injured? Shouldn’t this add more fuel to your flame to “stay and play”? No! It should be a sign. How many more injuries are you going to risk your health for just to play one more game? What if you beat Dan Marino and Troy Aikman in concussions and have to resort to being the worst commentators in football behind Keyshawn Johnson (I actually like Troy’s reporting…doesn’t mean it’s good)? Will that be a good enough sign? There is plenty to do in retirement Brett. You could start a charity, sell more Wranglers, or be a family man…for once. Just enjoy the time where you can do whatever you want with your family and be happy.

Hugh Hefner

• I gotta give it to the guy. He just turned 84, got engaged, and has everything that a superficial and regular man could ask for. But when will there ever be a time when you want a break? 84 years old and still sexually active? Wow I am impressed and I won’t even deny it. Not only am I but every boy under the age of 13 wants to be you when they grow up. You are an innovator, a business man, and what seems to be, a “family oriented” man…regardless of how you define family.
• But seriously Hugh, take it easy. All those years of partying and drinking scotch has to catch up at some point. The human ticker just isn’t made like it is in the movies. Maybe even get a hover-round, like Deion Sanders, and save the pain walking around. Or maybe not make so many guest appearances to your parties but instead, enjoy a nice quiet evening at home and get a good night’s rest. That would really put my mind at ease about your well being.Maybe just ease up a little, so that we may enjoy you a little longer. Not to mention those wonderful publications and reality TV shows you so thoughtfully provide to the average Joe.

Joe Paterno

• Now I know half of you readers are saying to yourself, who the hell is Joe Paterno and why do you even care about him. Well you jabronies, Joe Paterno is the coach of Penn State football team and has been for over 40 years. He has a record of 401–134–3 regular season games, and a bowl record of 24–11–1. He is also one of three active coaches to be in the Hall of Fame. So there is your back ground. My point to this is, Joe you are 84 and coaching football. I am pretty sure high school coaches don’t even live to be close to that because they are too busy ripping souls out of poor kids trying to learn a life lesson in a sport. You are centered on the most high intensity sport in America, maybe even the world at some points (don’t confuse the Super Bowl with the world cup of soccer or even a UEFA Cup match). I mean really how many more “near” heart attacks can you have until it becomes real? We know you did take some time off the field and coached from the box a season or two ago, but there is no way that that was enough time.
• Penn State has actually had a turn-around in season records since 2004. Going to many bowl appearances and winning most of the time. But Joe, are you really hunting for one more national championship? Or are the 2 titles you already have enough? Because they are more than most coaches can dream about coaching a division one team.
• Personally, I think Paterno is a great coach. But I’d like to see him around a few more years.  So maybe, if someone could pass this along to him, not tear into so many young players hearts and verbally rip their faces off. I mean it is your job as a football coach. But with your current age and health status, I think a few less wouldn’t hurt anyone. Who knows you might give another coach the chance of a life time, to verbally rape a player without facing a real jury.

                So old guys in the spot light, we all still like you and we want you to hang around just a little more, even if it is to sell some tough “football ready” jeans, or even an adult magazine to some 12 year old boys. Just take it down from a 10 to a 9, so that you can continue to prosper.